So i went to visit my family for a few days. It was so good to spend time with my parents and sister. I kinda didn't want it to end. Funny how i couldn't wait to get out of the house and now i don't want to leave. I guess that is how life is. I got a sewing machine and hope to start up some sewing projects and some cross stitching as well for Christmas presents. Yes it's September and im thinking about Christmas already. I'm so excited about what God is going to be doing in the future. I pray i grow ever closer to Him and that i can be an example to others. Today is my dad's birthday. i wish i could be there for it but i was there this weekend and i had a great time. Well i better start searching for some jobs.

August already?

Well It seems to me like i get so busy and forget things like blogging. Well here i am blogging. I have been sick (again), and have been working, working working. Sometimes i just want to go back in time when i was younger to the carefree life. Not worrying how much food i have left, how im going to pay bills, having strength to get to work ect. I feel as if my life right now is a ferris wheel. Going around and around but not really getting anywhere. I feel like i'm stuck near the bottom, not being able to see very far. Not knowing what's going to happen next. But despite these things i have found Joy in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He has given me strength and a joy that i really cannot explain. So even though i feel as if everything is going around and not going anywhere , i still look to my Lord.
This week a dear friend from YWAM Ozarks passed away. He was the director there and left behind a wife and kids. I know he is with Jesus now , pain free, and dancing. He taught me so much about Gods Word. In his passing i realized how short our lives are. How God can bring us to Him so quickly. Please be in prayer for his family, and for YWAM Ozarks. I guess i have learned to live each day as if it were your last. Yes it's hard, but with God all things are possible.

Well today Josiah comes back from camp! I can't wait to see him! This week has been emotionally and physically straining. But when i started to feel down i would just pray and God would fill me with His joy and i would keep going. My working with kids has become more of a ministry than a job to me. These kids are basically raised by other people like me. What great influence i have on these children at the age where they are learning so much ! I pray i can make a difference in these kids lives, or that God would use me to change them. This is what keeps me from going insane from hearing kids crying all day. haha.

So today i worked for 12 hours. 6am-6pm of screaming kids. I really need a new job. And it's been a long week especially with Josiah gone. Well that's all for now.

silence

I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like all i do is talk talk talk and nothing gets anywhere. I feel like im constantly saying sorry for being me. I keep saying "ill work on that" and i try to change but i really don't want to. i hate emotions. They confuse me. something needs to change though. and i think it's my heart. like i said i dont know what else to say. my mind is all over right now. i feel as if i let people down constantly, and it's so hard for me to get what i'm thinking into words verbally. it's so much easier to write them. Like Lynchburg is cool and stuff but i dont know many people and i kinda dont want to make friends right now. is that horrible? I feel to hurt by past things and i don't want to get hurt again. i'm stinken tired of friends hurting me! but if i tell anyone else this they will say "get over it, not everyone is like that" i've heard that over and over. i KNOW. i have all this knowledge but i don't use it. im stubborn, and scared, and i need to just give it all to God. It's so hard though. it's like letting someone have all my camera's and not knowing if ill see them again. it's a big deal . it's hard to trust for me. i don't know why. i guess it all goes back to being hurt. i need to remember that Christ was HURT for me though. He suffered so much more. He had friends betray Him. Oh how that must have hurt. Wait.. im now getting it. God knows exactly how i feel, His own children turn their backs on Him everyday.

I hate that i struggle all the time . i just want to be a carefree child again. i want to laugh. and smile and have fun. i want to just be me and not have to work on changing something that everyone else see's as a fault. Ok so i am not faultless. I feel as if i complain to much, which i do. i feel as if i'm not a very good friend, girlfriend, and daughter. i'm constantly doing something that is stupid and clumsy and i feel like giving up. i say things out of anger i don't mean, and sometimes i hold things in and not say everything. My heart is a confused mess. bear with me as i vent. i have no one else to vent at right now at this hour. I feel pretty much alone. i'm a failure, a loser, and a scared to death girl. i'm trying to hold on to Jesus. He's the only one who can get me through this inner battle. That is all for now.

Well Life has been interesting. It has been full of work and fun :) . 4th of July weekend i got to go camping with friends in the blue ridge parkway. It was so great to see my friends again and meet new people. We went on a 3 mile hike up to sharp top mountain. it was awesome and very difficult . But overall it was amazing. Now back to the grind of things and work, and living off of a part time income....

1) view from sharp top overlooking blue ridge parkway

2) View from Liberty Mountain overlooking Lynchburg on 4th of July

One month

It has been a month since i've moved to Virginia. Things are going GREAT. I am still looking for a full time job but i love working with the little kids at the day care center i work at. This weekend Josiah and i are heading to Waxhaw North Carolina to see his family. I'm excited! Well off to work!