silence

I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like all i do is talk talk talk and nothing gets anywhere. I feel like im constantly saying sorry for being me. I keep saying "ill work on that" and i try to change but i really don't want to. i hate emotions. They confuse me. something needs to change though. and i think it's my heart. like i said i dont know what else to say. my mind is all over right now. i feel as if i let people down constantly, and it's so hard for me to get what i'm thinking into words verbally. it's so much easier to write them. Like Lynchburg is cool and stuff but i dont know many people and i kinda dont want to make friends right now. is that horrible? I feel to hurt by past things and i don't want to get hurt again. i'm stinken tired of friends hurting me! but if i tell anyone else this they will say "get over it, not everyone is like that" i've heard that over and over. i KNOW. i have all this knowledge but i don't use it. im stubborn, and scared, and i need to just give it all to God. It's so hard though. it's like letting someone have all my camera's and not knowing if ill see them again. it's a big deal . it's hard to trust for me. i don't know why. i guess it all goes back to being hurt. i need to remember that Christ was HURT for me though. He suffered so much more. He had friends betray Him. Oh how that must have hurt. Wait.. im now getting it. God knows exactly how i feel, His own children turn their backs on Him everyday.

I hate that i struggle all the time . i just want to be a carefree child again. i want to laugh. and smile and have fun. i want to just be me and not have to work on changing something that everyone else see's as a fault. Ok so i am not faultless. I feel as if i complain to much, which i do. i feel as if i'm not a very good friend, girlfriend, and daughter. i'm constantly doing something that is stupid and clumsy and i feel like giving up. i say things out of anger i don't mean, and sometimes i hold things in and not say everything. My heart is a confused mess. bear with me as i vent. i have no one else to vent at right now at this hour. I feel pretty much alone. i'm a failure, a loser, and a scared to death girl. i'm trying to hold on to Jesus. He's the only one who can get me through this inner battle. That is all for now.